In this episode of Therapist Unplugged, host Laurie Poole interviews two long-time friends, who have known one another over 30 years, about the joys of life over 60. No topic is off limits as they share perspectives on sex, marriage, motherhood and careers. All three women share how their friendship has carried them through some of the most challenging times in their lives. This podcast is a true celebration of life over 60!
Therapist Unplugged is brought to you by The Montfort Group. Each episode will feature the unplugged views of guests and fellow therapists as we navigate hot topics, therapy trends and the world around us.
*The Montfort Group provides a serene, calming setting where you can feel challenged, supported, and motivated. Our skilled therapists bridge specialized backgrounds and varied philosophies together to create one unified strategy. Rather than steer you away from your own natural abilities, we help you maximize your unique strengths. We do not view a broken history as the end of a story, we see it as an opportunity for a new beginning.
In this episode of Therapist Unplugged, host Laurie Poole interviews two long-time friends, who have known one another over 30 years, about the joys of life over 60. No topic is off limits as they share perspectives on sex, marriage, motherhood and careers. All three women share how their friendship has carried them through some of the most challenging times in their lives. This podcast is a true celebration of life over 60!
Therapist Unplugged is brought to you by The Montfort Group. Each episode will feature the unplugged views of guests and fellow therapists as we navigate hot topics, therapy trends and the world around us.
*The Montfort Group provides a serene, calming setting where you can feel challenged, supported, and motivated. Our skilled therapists bridge specialized backgrounds and varied philosophies together to create one unified strategy. Rather than steer you away from your own natural abilities, we help you maximize your unique strengths. We do not view a broken history as the end of a story, we see it as an opportunity for a new beginning.
Welcome, everyone to therapists unplugged today I am especially thrilled to introduce Matt Noca. I'm going to start again.
Unknown:Okay, wait, do I press I got it.
Laurie Poole:Welcome, everyone to therapist unplugged. Today's edition is a conversation with my two dearest friends, Nancy and Diane, about life over 60. And I am I'm really excited about this conversation ladies because we've talked about this kind of stuff before. But we've known each other for a very long time, which is going to make this conversation even more special. So Nancy, I met when we were both receptionists in 1978 When we were 22 years old. We were just babies. That's right dance. I remember the first time I saw you too. We got into trouble when we work together at John Abbott and we've been getting into trouble together ever since. We have both been one another's matron of honor. We are God mothers to our sons. And we have lots of wild and wooly tales to tell.
Unknown:That's for sure. That's true.
Laurie Poole:With and Diane I have known for over 30 years we met through our eldest sons when they were about kindergarten or grade one age, and over the years have joined forces as the mother's mafia. When we had adolescent sons who challenged us and then later the fairy godmother. I used to have prank phone calls. With Chad Diane's youngest. I would call and say hi, Chad. Is this your fairy godmother? So that's kind of stuck over the years. He's now almost 30 Is he 30 yet? 29 Oh, my God.
Unknown:Here we go. And don't forget you regret Gladys Kravitz as
Laurie Poole:well. That's right, because I watched everything out the kitchen window at the front of the house. So Diane, you were a nurse, a pediatric nurse at the Montreal Children's Hospital for what? 42 years?
Unknown:Yes, I wanted to make it to 43. But 42 is what it was.
Laurie Poole:42 is what I was. And you made a decision a couple of years ago to leave your profession COVID Hit the timing was right. And all things were divinely aligned for you to step away from that profession. And it seems to me you've been living quite a life. And Nance
Unknown:you retired, like I'm gonna say retired. You left your job at a micro electronics company. And you've been living the life since then as well. Right? Were you 55? Yeah, I did the freedom 55 thing and that was by choice. I kind of plan my whole life for retirement and I was lucky enough to be able to retire at 55. A great career at future electronics. Yeah. Fantastic little plug.
Laurie Poole:Give a plug nets. Yeah, here I am
Unknown:starting a whole new career
Laurie Poole:with no retirement in sight. Well, I tell you, I was inspired to have this conversation with both of you because I received an email several months ago from a former colleague and listener to the podcast who suggested that I talk about ageism and being invisible. She writes I'm experiencing this now especially since I have retired. I have been used to a recognition oh my god therapist unplugged apparently doesn't know how to turn off her phone etc. My apologies. Hang on. Hang on.
Unknown:Is it your shoe phone it's a regular regular phone. Oh my god. Sorry, ladies. All right, let me start this again. This is why we call it therapist unplugged. Cuz you never know what's gonna happen. Okay,
Laurie Poole:let me start again. She says I have been used to recognition and feeling important. And now I experienced many in public ignore me look through me. compounded with isolation with COVID It's depressing. I'm not depressed, but saddened. And I thought jeez, that's you know, there's been lots of women who've talked about feeling invisible as they get older. And so I thought we could use this as a sort of a launch for our conversation about life over 60. Diane, you and I are 66 Nancy's the baby at 65. Do I let me ask you do either one of you feel invisible? Do you have? Have you had the experience of feeling invisible?
Unknown:For me? No, not at all. You know, it's funny because I work part time in a store with younger people. And I have one of my work colleagues who happens to be 25. And she's always wanting to hang out with me and like, Hey, can we do this? Or hey, can we go there? She wants to go to Vegas with me. She wants to hang out with me. So I'm like, actually older than her mom. But she still feels like I'm viable and fun loving, and she still wants to do things with me. So for me feeling invisible. That doesn't even apply in my world, I don't think or will you die? Not at all. As we age, we get bigger than life. I think it's because we're so relaxed and comfortable with who we are. And I think we're both very friendly and outgoing. And that engages people when you engage with people. It's hard to feel invisible. And
Laurie Poole:well, Doc dyad. Sorry, sorry to interrupt. Go ahead.
Unknown:Well, I also when I worked with all my cohorts at the Children's, a lot of them were younger, and they said, Oh, you're like my work mom, and they tell me all their secrets. And I get invited to their weddings. And I always felt extremely honored that they you know, and of course, I use my age as like, Oh, I'm so old. And they, you know, didn't say no. And you know, and I hand out little chocolate bars to them. And I say, Oh, it's just so you like me, you know, but I used a lot of humor, but I love them on. We all got along well,
Laurie Poole:I will say Diane, having gone on many a walk with you. When I go home to Montreal, you talk to everybody, like we can't get through the village of Pointe, Claire without being stopped multiple times, you're waving at people across the street, and so on. I think that all three of us have a kind of vibrancy, and curiosity and love of life, that that attracts people. Because we don't think in terms of our age, defining us or being a sentence to something, you know, I mean, I think feeling lonely and isolated because of the pandemic is one thing. But this feeling of being invisible. I don't think that I particularly have had that experience. There might be periods in my life where I did, like when I moved to Dallas, and I didn't know anybody. But you know, it was lucky because I started school and I got to meet classmates. And it was a place where I went and I felt like it was cheers, you know, everybody knew my name, and I knew theirs. And it was very comforting and reassuring in a brand new city. But this feeling of invisibility as women get older. This listener is not the first person I've heard talk about that. And I was just curious whether or not the two of you had had that experience. As you've
Unknown:come into, you're not really I mean, I don't know if it's like a mindset, I feel like as young and vibrant as I did, like when I was like in my 20s You know, and I feel I feel like I still had that love of life as draw that need. And I think that's really important. So I don't really feel Yeah, I'm, you know, I'm older now. And but I feel like so comfortable in my own skin. And I feel like you know, I've accomplished a lot of things in my career, and with my family and you know, the things you'd like to change, of course, but you know what, for the most part, I think you know what, I've lived a really great life, and I'm happy at the place where I am now. Yeah, yeah. And I also feel that way as well. In fact, my daughter, I said, Hey, would you like to have this pair of pants? They were kind of leopard and stuff and she says, Oh, no, Mom, you can pull that off, but I can't. So, you know, that's all about being confident and comfortable in your own skin. Yeah,
Laurie Poole:I think actually, that is a real gift of aging. And I don't even like the word aging. I'm gonna say evolving, because we evolve. It's not just about aging. That's a that feels like it's a comment about our physical condition. And yet I look at the two of you. Diane, you're snowshoeing, cross country skiing, you walk 50 times a day, Nancy, you're working out in your apartment and walking. I'm actually the one who's sitting seven and eight hours a day in my work, but you guys are really like fit. And I think your physical health is really important to you, but you get a lot of joy out of being really active.
Unknown:Yeah, exactly. The only difference for me is when I'm out running, I call it walking now because it's not long and jog. And it's better than a walk. It's the new thing.
Laurie Poole:Well, Diane, Diane, truth be told, I don't know that you ever did a full job, did you?
Unknown:But how do you? How do you think
Laurie Poole:that you are different now than you were, say? 30 years ago?
Unknown:Oh, my God, how have you 30 years ago, okay, so I would have been 3035 35. I was like a stress master. I was so stressed out about everything in my life. I was working in like a high pressure job. I was traveling. At that point in my life. I had four kids, I was trying to be like supermom, I was trying to juggle all these balls. And like, honestly, I was like, I wasn't a very fun person. I didn't think I felt really stressed.
Laurie Poole:Dance. I've never known you not to be a fun person. But I will say that I do remember that as being a very stressful period for you. Because you are also navigating a blended family you marry someone with who had two children very close in age to your own two children. And navigating all of that is that that's a whole different. That's a whole different ballgame.
Unknown:Yeah, yeah, it was tough. I mean, you know, for some unknown reason, I felt like I had to prove to the world I was Superwoman, that I could do it all. And like I could do it seamlessly and effortlessly. And you know what, it takes a toll on you. Because you never seem to sort of like, just relax and enjoy the moment. And if I had to go back and change things I wish I could have like, just not been so focused on like, trying to get things done, and making sure the house was perfect. And like the kids were perfect, and everything was done perfectly. And the meals were perfect. You know, I wish I had like been able to take a breath and just say, You know what, let's just sit back and veg out and talk to the kids more do things more with them? Like that's probably one of my biggest kind of regrets. Yeah, the taking things here and proving, proving that you could do it, and wanting to do a really good job and being very hard
Laurie Poole:on yourself in the process of that.
Unknown:Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I think a lot of women feel that way. They feel a lot of pressure. And that's that whole self taught thing where you go, Oh, I could have done this better. I should have done that I could have could have would have showed up, you know, but yeah, that's not reality. I think women tend to be a little harder on themselves and they need to be.
Laurie Poole:Yeah, for sure. Diane, you had five children. What about you at 35? You had for
Unknown:bingo. I was pregnant. That's where I was. You know, I been thinking about this. And I thought cheese. You know, I was just speaking to Nancy this morning about it. I really didn't have friends until Mo was probably in elementary school. He was number four, because I didn't have time for friendship. Yeah. So for me, having a few good friends now is really, it's very, extremely important to me. And my mom always said to me, my dad was a top executive and work extremely hard. And she would say, die. You've got to have friends because they're the people that take you through life and stick with you. And you know, so you have to have a life with your friends. And I'll never forget that. So that I didn't develop that until the kids were a bit older.
Laurie Poole:Well, I remember watching you take the kids around the block for a walk. And they were pretty close in age like so. There was Wes and then the two girls and then you had mo your second son and then Chad came a few years later, but the first four are pretty close in age, especially the two orals and it was just like, watching you go around the block. And you know what three kids had ADHD. Two kids had food allergies and terrible asthma. Like our pediatric nursing skills were used on a regular basis, it seems to me.
Unknown:Yes. I had connections. I was very blessed.
Laurie Poole:Yes, yes. But I mean, you really had your hands full five children is a lot under any circumstance, and you continue to nurse part time doing night shifts on like, I don't know, twice a month or something over the weekends.
Unknown:Well, like every other weekend, every other
Laurie Poole:weekend. Yeah. And then Peter would hold the fort with the children while you were working overnight. I used to see him at the pool with all the kids.
Unknown:Yeah, actually, I worked 12 and a half hours a day shifts to on weekends. So he'd be schlepping the kids to tutoring. And yeah, the whole thing. Yeah. And I finally ended up getting a cell phone because I arrived home from the rec center one day, and only to be called on the house phone, that I had to go back to the Rec Center to get the next child. And I said, Forget it. I'm not doing that. I need to multitask. Yeah, well, you've
Laurie Poole:always been very good at multitasking. That's for sure. When you look back die on, you know where you were at at 35? How do you feel like what's what's different? How have you changed at 66?
Unknown:I think I'm a little more relaxed, and I don't prioritize some things the way I used to. I feel also the same way as Nancy and that, you know, my house was always immaculate. And
Laurie Poole:you'd never know you had five kids. both Yeah, you would never. It's true. Or five children in either household means
Unknown:because we're two of you. Right? That's right. Yeah.
Laurie Poole:I was always the messy slob friend. used to wear like just so everything was just in its place.
Unknown:retentive, good thing. I remember. I remember Laurie, you driving with your red high heel out your car window.
Laurie Poole:Oh, I was living a whole other kind of life. That's terrible.
Unknown:I don't know if I could get my leg out the window. Because we're in our 60s.
Laurie Poole:That's it doesn't mean I wouldn't try. Oh, yeah, it you know, you're right. I think in. I never stopped working. You know, I was working at John Abbott for 15 years, which was wonderful when the children were younger. And then I did consulting work and traveled a lot. But I had I was also married to someone who traveled all the time and wasn't around. So I had a, I think my life was a little bit different. And it was more the stress of what felt like being a single parent, you know, because Ross was never around. What I tell myself now. You know, that's a really great question. I don't even have an answer to that. I don't know that I'm more relaxed than I was then. I'm not sure.
Unknown:I think you are. Do you think sonant marginally marginally. Oh my god. You've got a lot on your plate. you're juggling a lot of balls still. We're we're sort of more on the downslope of things but in a good way. You know, like, yeah, because we chose him to do that.
Laurie Poole:Yeah, yeah, I yeah, I guess you're still
Unknown:like kind of ramping up.
Laurie Poole:Yeah, I am ramping up in a lot of ways. Yeah. Who knows? I I said earlier this week, that I I love what I'm doing now and I can't imagine retiring, but we'll probably have to when I stop remembering my clients names. That will be a time to say okay, I've got to say goodbye to that.
Unknown:Nancy and I will set up like a flow sheet for you. They will organize that.
Laurie Poole:Yes, you two are the best organizers on the planet. You said something earlier, Diane, that really resonated with me. The advice and wisdom of your mom who passed away not very long ago at the beautiful age of 99. Yeah, right. Just over a year ago. It's been about a year
Unknown:and a half die. Yeah. Yeah.
Laurie Poole:And Ruth was really an incredible lady. So is your dad was a wonderful one. for men too, but Ruth really meant she was, she hung in there. And she, she died the morning, your granddaughter was born early to I love the serving Circle of Life holy. Yeah. But I think one of the things when I'm thinking about friendship, and some of the drama woman, we've all three of us have had drama in our lives, we've all gone through really tough times, and we have been there for each other. And so I think the beauty and value of friendship becomes even more meaningful. When I look back at what we have shared, whether it's been issues with children. You know, Nancy and I have both been divorced and remarried, we have lost our family members. You know, Nancy, you lost your mom and more recently a brother die, you lost your brother and both your parents, I've lost a brother and ex husband, my dad, you know, advancing or evolving over yours? Also, what comes with it as loss? You know, and I think it's, I think back on things that I've been through, and how you both have really held me up and been there for me in ways I can't I mean, I just mean, so much, I can't even tell you. And I think where would I have been without Nancy and Diane to, you know, just accompany me and be a listening ear and offer support? I mean, that's invaluable. You can't put a price on any of that.
Unknown:No, absolutely not. I think your friends always get you through those rough patches, like and if you don't have that, you are so lost, like I feel blessed to have had both of you, you know, because I value your opinions, and I value your solace and, and sage advice. And like, I can't even imagine not having that. I think we're so lucky to have each other, you know, yeah.
Laurie Poole:I think the other thing that that really strikes me, which is so special about our friendship is how it then gets handed down to our children. And I think especially of when my two children's dad was dying, and the two of you, you know, Diane, you would make scones for Ross and run over from the Children's because it's all part of the same complex and, and visit Ross, and when he was so distressed, you know, how you helped the nurse, put the IV in, you know, and, and when he the day he died, you were in there talking to him. And Nancy, you and Diane would go in together. And the kids really have because of the friendship that the three of us shared, our children have really benefited from that. Like, that's when I think we've been a source of entertainment also, but
Unknown:in fact, I'm really, really, without a doubt, without a doubt. But,
Laurie Poole:you know, our children have benefited from the strong friendship that we've shared as well.
Unknown:Oh, absolutely.
Laurie Poole:You know, they, they, they really they think of the two of you, as someone as women, they can go to your like my surrogates in Montreal. Your awareness you're getting Mama's
Unknown:you know, we're the Three Musketeers with together.
Laurie Poole:It's true. It's very true.
Unknown:We're sometimes the tunes together, as Nancy likes to say
Laurie Poole:not sometimes. All the time.
Unknown:Today, Nancy and I are Dumb and Dumber, but I'm the dumbest. Well, I'm glad you're owning that die.
Laurie Poole:technically challenged die. That's how do you think that your love relationships have evolved over the years? Diane, you've been married the longest of all of us. 45 years as a 45. Yeah, it'll
Unknown:be 44 years. 44 years. Good for you die. Yeah, that's never happened in my lifetime. He didn't stop me registered for daycare. Well, seniors daycare already. That's, that's the big joke in the family. Okay,
Laurie Poole:I was gonna say Oh, my God and thinks come to the point where you have to register well ahead of when you need us like kids daycare.
Unknown:Okay? No.
Laurie Poole:Diane, so you've been you and Peter have been married almost 44 years. How has your relationship evolved over that period
Unknown:of time? Oh, well, we spent the first five years without children. So that was really nice. And then we started having kids and life became very busy. But we always managed what? We realized that we could never eat dinner with all five kids. Otherwise, I would have had indigestion. Right? So because if every child called me once every five minutes, I'd be called every minute. And I Yes, I knew I couldn't ever sit down to eat. So we had dinners together by candlelight after we settled the kids when they were younger, which was nice. So we just really enjoyed that. And we still do that. But we tastic Yeah. But that
Laurie Poole:is something that I remember about the two of you is that you all tie candlelight dinner every night. My kids were put to bed first. Yeah. And then you and Peter would sit down and eat dinner together.
Unknown:Yeah, yeah. In fact, Chad once went to a friend's house for dinner, and he came home and said, Mom, they eat with all the lights off.
Laurie Poole:There you go. But when we think about the quality of your relationship, like when you think about, you know, having been with the same person for 44 years. And of course we change, right marriage, there's ebbs and flows and marriage and long term relationships and all kinds of things. I'm just wondering, is this is like, how would you characterize where you are now in your marriage?
Unknown:Well, I would say, we are at a really fun place. Yeah. Where we laugh a lot more, we enjoy spending time with each other without any kind of pressure. You know, we just kind of make a plan for the day, it can't. It's not that exciting. Because, you know, we haven't been traveling anywhere. But we have a routine and we love it. We just love it. Yes. Nice. You know,
Laurie Poole:there's, that's interesting. So it's a more it's, you know, a lot of couples, worry, or think about what happens when the nest is empty. You know, like, will we still have, will we have anything in common? What will we talk about? What will this relationship be like, once the kids are gone, because we've poured so much energy into them, it's easy to kind of forget who you are in the process of all of that, and who you were as a couple. And it sounds as though you and Peter are at a place or a point in time, where you really enjoying that there was a long time where you couldn't travel, there were things happening with children and all kinds of stuff. And now you're really having fun and yeah, and enjoying each other. And the simple
Unknown:things. Basically, as I said, we're not that exciting, but we get joy and little things. And, you know, I'm not saying it's been perfect the whole time. It's not been believe me, but I just we just kept hanging in there. And I would say, now is the reward for those kind of, you know, yeah, harder, more difficult times. So this is our reward, I think because yeah, it wasn't always like this. You know, where I have five kids? And
Laurie Poole:although Yeah, yeah, absolutely. What about you? Nance? What do you think about? You know, your experience in relationships and marriage. Nancy's making
Unknown:a face, oh, my God, I can probably write a book because I've been married twice. I've had two wonderful ex husbands and husbands actually. But for me, like I'm, I'm single now. And I really love my life. I love being alone. I love the fact that I don't have to. And it sounds awful. It sounds like you know, like, being in a relationship is like a hardship for me. But you know, I just, I think I've been I've been with some wonderful men in my life. But I really love being alone and just doing my own thing. And if I want to travel with someone, I've been I've had the opportunity to travel with some, like amazing people. And I just like, doing my own thing. And if I want company, I have company if I don't want company, I don't so yeah, you know, I just feel like a good part of my life. When I had kids and partners. I've always felt like you know, I've given so much of myself and sort of lost myself maybe in those relationships and didn't put my priorities or what my needs were first and was always looking to fulfill other people's needs or what they needed, like whether it's a kids or my partner or whatever. Now I'm completely like a selfish and A good way. Yeah, and I'm really comfortable with that.
Laurie Poole:You know that what you're talking about, I think Nancy is when your head and your heart are in the same place. And same with you die. Because when you're younger, you do things you don't necessarily want to do to keep everybody happy, or because you think that's what you should do. And what I'm hearing is, my head and my heart are in the same place. If I want to be with people, it's because I want to be with them. And if I don't, I can go back to my place and have my solitude and my peace. I don't have to worry about anybody else. And that's a very liberating feeling. When you think about raising children and having career and having partners and so on, kind of just get to this place where you can call the shots the way you want. And you live a very authentic life that
Unknown:way. Yeah, yeah. But you also have to feel super comfortable in yourself. There's a lot of people who can't live maybe the way I do, because they need to have someone around they need someone to chit chat with or someone to do things with. I'm maybe I'm an anomaly. I don't know. But I sort of feel, you know what I want company, I have it, but I like my own company. I like my own space. I've created that in my life. And I'm I love it.
Laurie Poole:Do you think that's something that has evolved over time? For you?
Unknown:Yeah, I'm sure like, I think, yeah, it has evolved over time where I felt like, you know, what, there has been times in my life where I kept myself so busy, I didn't have a chance to think about what was really going on in my head. And I was kind of numbing myself by being that little gerbil on the wheel, you know, and not really thinking about maybe things that I that maybe hurt me or gave me sort of angst. So I kept myself super busy. But now I don't feel that way. Now I can sit down and be okay with myself and think about things and, you know, and, and just be fine with it.
Laurie Poole:Yeah. It seems to me, the common denominator of what you've both shared is that when you hit this stage in your life, there is you have both experienced a real comfort with yourself not only comfort in your own skin, but liking who you are. You know, and that's, and that's not a bad thing. In fact, I think that is actually what gives you the vitality and the curiosity and interest in sense of fun, is that you like who you are. And you really need to be like that,
Unknown:you know,
Laurie Poole:oh my god, I think about that, about how as younger women, you know, the that that voice, that inner critic, you could be thinner, you could be prettier. You can have straighter teeth, you can be smarter. It's like, where the hell does that come from? It's so distractive it is just so people are so hard on themselves. And actually, I think social media contributes to this sort of perfectionist, you know, absolute? I don't know, what do you want to say about that? Well,
Unknown:I went through that I graduated from McGill in nursing. And I remember seeing, you know, when I was maybe five years into my career, I remember seeing all these, my my classmates moving on into like, clinical positions rather than staff nurse. So I applied for a clinic position, and I got it. But then I had to resign because I was working with chemo, and I was pregnant. And I remember thinking, Oh, I'm not performing for what my skills are, and my education. But you know, I stayed in as a staff nurse. It worked for us with five kids, because I could be part time. And later in my career, I felt so thrilled that I stayed at the bedside, because I was able to provide parents and families with my experience that would really help them and they really appreciate it. And I thought that's one of the reasons I really didn't want to retire. Because I thought, Oh, this is a sweet position to be in to be able to help these families going through difficult times. So that was one of the pressures. I put on myself a long time ago that I should be performing differently in my career, but I'm very happy now.
Laurie Poole:Well, you know, Diane, you and I have shared stories. You know, the therapist, the pediatric nurse working at the bedside dealing with families. You've told me stories about how you've saved children because you notice something in a baby or a very young child that a resident didn't catch somebody else didn't catch but your intuition, your experience with your own child Children. It's like that comes into the bedside and dealing with the families. And I think that's where life experience I mean, there's just no, there's no substitute.
Unknown:So that was my big issue of feeling pressure when Yeah. When I was younger.
Laurie Poole:Yeah, yeah. I it's such a great place to be, isn't it where we are right now?
Unknown:Oh my god.
Laurie Poole:I love it. I love it. I just have a final topic. Ladies. I want to talk about sex.
Unknown:Oh, good. Now I can talk about that special room with leather corset. And the with a man comes, oh, wow, die. You have one of those too.
Laurie Poole:I hide all that stuff under my bed. Oh, I want to read something. This is and I want to I want to talk about happiness factors. But there's a book called magnificent sex lessons from extraordinary lovers. by Peggy kleinplatz, a Canadian psychotherapist, she's a sex therapist, from Ottawa actually. And she wrote this book with Dana Menard. And they did a study about you know, we look at a lot of like, what doesn't work in sex, but what happens like what is different about couples who have magnificent sex and dance? I know that's the expression our listeners can't see. But the expression on your face when I when I talk about magnificent sex. Okay, so here's so here's, here's a quote. If there's children in the room listening to this podcast, this might be the time to ask them to exit. Here's a quote from the book. The good news is that sexual functioning is not necessary for magnificent sex. That means that aging chronic illness and disability do not necessarily preclude and may even be an asset towards optimal sexual development. The bad news is that sexual functioning is not sufficient for magnificent sex, having a hard penis or to grow, what vagina will allow for adequate sexual functioning, but they are no guarantee of magnificent sex.
Unknown:I would agree with Okay, ladies,
Laurie Poole:what do you think about that? Well, yeah,
Unknown:I would totally agree with that. I think being really super comfortable with your partner, that you can, you know, talk and communicate and say, Oh, my God, hold on Kingston. Listen to this. To be able to communicate and say I, you know, I like this touch me here, do this, you know, I think is really important. But that, again, is part and parcel of feeling comfortable in your own skin and feeling comfortable with who you are and where you are in your in your life. I don't think I was like that in my, you know, you know, when we're in our early 20s, and 30s. I don't think I was quite as comfortable. I definitely wasn't as comfortable in my own skin as I am now. And maybe I didn't feel like verbalizing what I wanted, either. I feel like now, I've developed that over
Laurie Poole:years. Do you think you have better sex now than you did when you were in your 30s?
Unknown:Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
Laurie Poole:I think that's
Unknown:your ears. Your plugs in? Yeah, your moss. Like they're, they want the dirt.
Laurie Poole:They want the dirt diet. What about you? You know, you and Peter had been together 44 years. Do you think that what's your reaction to what I just read?
Unknown:Well, you probably have to read it to me. Okay. This is what happens. Is this one a Dumb and Dumber comes? domitor? No, um, what would I say? Repeat the question. Okay. So,
Laurie Poole:the good news is that sexual functioning is not necessary for magnificent sex. That a hard penis or a wet vagina will allow for adequate sexual functioning, but they are no guarantee of magnificent sex.
Unknown:Yes. Okay. Gotcha. Um, yes, I think well, get married so long. There's great comfort in having been together for so long and having the time To just snuggle and, and be close together in a routine, you know, I know I talk all about routines, but basically we have a lot of routines
Laurie Poole:routine can provide a lot of comfort and Bria.
Unknown:Yeah, absolutely. Nick routines are okay guy. And you're comfortable with each other. I think that's fabulous.
Laurie Poole:Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right. So
Unknown:and you can communicate well between each other you can you don't feel uncomfortable saying to Peter, hey, you know, yeah, let's do this. Or what about that? Or swing from the ceiling? If if it's a possibility,
Laurie Poole:why not? We are only limited by our imagination, Diane. But the other piece of it also, is, I think there's a couple of things. One is the so in this book, what she says is that the people, people having magnificent sex, tend to be people in their 50s, who are in a long term relationship. Part, yeah. And part of that is attributed to being able to ask what you want for as you were talking about nets, you know, just about feeling more comfortable in your own skin, knowing what you like, I think emotional safety is also another piece of sexual intimacy, when you feel safe enough with your partner, that you can say, hey, you know, this is what I, this is what I want to do, or this is where I'm at, not feel judged, and be able to be so present with your partner that there could be a fire in the corner of the room, and it wouldn't matter.
Unknown:Hey, no, you?
Laurie Poole:Well, you know, and it's, and it coincides with the happiness curve, when they look at studies of, you know, how happy people are, their 30s and 40s are not an especially happy time, they're having children, they're acquiring things a first home, the career, I, you know, I certainly see that in a lot of the couples that I work with, is life has an especially during the pandemic, people with young children, and you both have, you know, children, with grandchildren that were being schooled at home, you know, all that kind of jazz. So, so stressful, and it becomes about, it's like standing in front of a tennis ball machine, and they're just getting hit, and they're trying to swing the racket as fast as they can. Whereas when you get into your 50s, and your 60s and beyond, I think you get much better at discriminating what you want and what you don't want, you don't want to waste your time doing stuff that you don't want to do that. And you get better at expressing your needs. And, and hopefully, as I mentioned earlier, having that congruency between your head and your heart.
Unknown:Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah, I just become more selective about like, you know, like, not just with, we're talking about sex right now. But like, just anything in your life, you just sort of think to yourself, I'm not gonna spend time with people who drag me down or, or, you know, pull, like, or negative, and you just become very selective about what you do, who you're with. And I think that's really important. I think we have we're lucky at this point in our lives that we can do that, you know, and you just don't, you know, you just, it's just like a good happy place to be. And it Trent it transcends into the bedroom or your sex lives to Yeah, because you are in that comforting, that comfortable place. Yes. And like for example, for Peter and I, we've spent, we're at a perfect spot for a pandemic, because we've spent more time together and owe more to me my, okay, we've spent more time together so it's been so enjoyable, that we've learned more stuff about each other and it's just been great. Well, ladies, could go the other way to you know, die. Some people have spent so much time together, that they sort of like, you know, feel it. Oh my god, I just need space from me. And then you see things in your relationship and you think, oh, gosh, I really don't know that person or I don't really like that person. But it's it's really voted well for you too. Yeah. I feel. Yeah. Yeah. I think like,
Laurie Poole:it has been hard on a lot of relationships. It's kind of magnified. What was is not working before a pandemic became more apparent during a pandemic when couples are spending more than usual amount of time together. I would say that's certainly what I've observed. Well, ladies, I want to thank you so much for this conversation. It's been really fun. It has been and I look forward to seeing you both in person really soon. I don't know exactly when that will be, but it better be sooner rather than later. And that's you gotta you know, you got to be my agent for that pa Taryn
Unknown:point Claire village because you know, I'm working on it. Okay, now it's nice to have that conversation offline. Okay. And I'll be I'll be your therapist for logging.
Laurie Poole:Okay, perfect. Listen, I love you both to the moon and back. You're just my heart and soul both of you.
Unknown:Love you. I love you, man. Love you man. And love you. Okay, ladies. Okay. Have have a have a good
Laurie Poole:rest of the day. And I hope to see you both soon. Thanks so much for taking time to talk with me. All right. Okay, great. Bye.