Recovery from heartbreak

Is there anything more painful than heartbreak? The end of a relationship can plummet us to the depths of grief and sadness in a way that few other experiences ever will. It’s an unavoidable part of life that leaves us feeling truly untethered when it does! Unlike physical pain, the roadmap to recovery isn’t always clear nor is it one size fits all.
 
In this episode of Therapist Unplugged, hosts Laurie Poole and Cory Montfort explore sadness and loss after a break up, share stories about how they’ve coped after their own heart break and offer suggestions for healing through the pain to land in a better place. Listen in for more on recovery from heart break.

Therapist Unplugged is brought to you by The Montfort Group. Each episode will feature the unplugged views of guests and fellow therapists as we navigate hot topics, therapy trends and the world around us.

*The Montfort Group provides a serene, calming setting where you can feel challenged, supported, and motivated. Our skilled therapists bridge specialized backgrounds and varied philosophies together to create one unified strategy. Rather than steer you away from your own natural abilities, we help you maximize your unique strengths. We do not view a broken history as the end of a story, we see it as an opportunity for a new beginning.

Transcript

Cory Montfort: 0:28

Are you ready?

Laurie Poole: 0:32

I am so ready.

Cory Montfort: 0:34

What are we talking about?

Laurie Poole: 0:36

Today we are talking about recovery from heartbreak.

Cory Montfort: 0:39

Oh, I've had a few of those.

Laurie Poole: 0:41

You too. Me too. Welcome everybody. You are listening to therapist unplugged. This is Laurie pool speaking your host. And today's co host is my colleague.

Cory Montfort: 0:56

We have to start again.

Laurie Poole: 0:58

Because you just kind of erase

Cory Montfort: 1:03

everyone's gonna listen to the hole.

Laurie Poole: 1:05

You want to plug in. My name is Cory Montfort forgot? Yes, my colleague Cory Montfort is joining me today because our Hot Topic is recovery from heartbreak. Cory, how many songs have been written about a broken heart?

Cory Montfort: 1:20

I have no idea. Do you have that

Laurie Poole: 1:22

too many to count? How many clients come to our offices seeking relief and ways to mend that broken heart?

Cory Montfort: 1:30

I almost predict that that is the real reason why many people are there. They say they're there for one thing, and then all of a sudden, you know, by the end of the first session, they're like, well, then I had this breakup or

Laurie Poole: 1:44

this right. I think that a broken heart is one of the most difficult things to heal from, because it's not a wound you can see. And often it's more painful and debilitating than a physical wound. Yeah. And I think that, you know, there's so many ways a heartbreaks, and how the how a relationship comes to an end, can also determine how difficult it is to recover. Yeah, I think I think I don't know, what's one of the toughest breakups you've ever experienced.

Cory Montfort: 2:21

Probably breaking up with someone that I was still in love with, but I knew I had to do it. That was a different kind of, because if you know, when you're ready, it feels easier when you're in charge of the change.

Laurie Poole: 2:41

In charge of the change, yeah,

Cory Montfort: 2:42

but but when you when you're the recipient of someone's decision, or it just ends up being, you know, impossible to continue. I think that was probably the hardest thing for me. Although I did the breaking up, I was still very much attached to the person. I just knew it couldn't be. It was just tragic, you know. And I was thinking about pain and how you said it was harder than physical pain. And I can kind of see that, because when we're in physical pain, we look for an ailment, you know, we look for we go to the doctor, we take medicine, there's usually unless you have chronic pain, right? Physical pain, there's usually some resolve, that can happen fairly quickly. There's an answer and for emotional pain. We don't know what to do with that. And sometimes it's not about relieving the pain when they come to therapy. It's about walking through it with them. Yes. You know, but that's hard. Because none of us like pain. It's very hard.

Laurie Poole: 3:58

It's very hard. And I think for many people, the intuitive thing to do is to distance to try and distance yourself from the pain initially. And that could be engaging in behaviors that give you temporary relief. Maybe it's drinking too much. Maybe it's distracting finding sources of distracting Yeah, they give you temporary relief. But the pain doesn't really go away. And it's not working through it. It's just like I said, giving you some temporary relief. And I think that, particularly with a first really bad breakup, you don't even there's parts of yourself you haven't even met yet. So how do you like what are what are the things in your toolbox to even manage that? How do you even know what you need? And as you said earlier, it can be different if you're on the receiving end of that breakup. If it's a mutual thing, where you both realize that what is going on between the two of you is not sustainable, or the relationship has run its course. That's one thing. If your partner says, Look, I'm just I'm not feeling it anymore. I don't want to be in this relationship with you. I'm not feeling my feelings for you have changed and that's a surprise. That's a whole other experience. infidelity is another kind of expect reads, but such a huge blow.

Cory Montfort: 5:31

Yeah. Also, I'm thinking about how other people in your life can break your heart. You know, I think familial relationships Oh, yeah, even if not romantic can surprise you. And I think that's what causes pain. You know,

Laurie Poole: 5:50

if children can break your heart, yes,

Cory Montfort: 5:53

yes. And it's because we these are these are the kinds of relationships that mean the most. And, you know, I've heard something that, you know, the grief will be as deep as the love what's. Yeah. And so it's, it's the risk of it. All right. To feel that deeply, both ways. But it's, it has been worth it to me.

Laurie Poole: 6:20

Yeah. No, absolutely. Absolutely. It's interesting, because we're all going to get we're all going to have that experience. Anderson Cooper in his podcast talks about grief. And one of the revelations he had, and if anybody hasn't listened to that podcast, it's really worth it. Because we're at that is a human emotion that we are all going to experience. And breakup is loss and grief. Yes. And if you haven't experienced that before in your life, it is probably one of the first times you'll feel it that deeply Yes, is the aftermath of a breakup. But we don't talk about it very much

Cory Montfort: 7:03

No, or we're, we're expected to rationalize everything and just move on very quickly. But it's very normal, let's say for a romantic relationship where you have spoken every day to this person for X number of, you know, months or years, you have slept in the same bed, you have shared intimate moments over and over and over again. So anything that it's that normal, as part of your life, when it is ripped out from underneath you is going to feel very destabilizing and very painful. So I, I think, just normalizing that that is going to feel like a lack of homeostasis, you have to restabilize that takes some time, and an understanding that it will get better with time. But there are things I think that people do to maybe prolong it, then they don't you know, quite know that that's what they're doing. And then there's things that we can actually do to use that time to feel stronger and better about ourselves and get to know ourselves a little bit better. That's

Laurie Poole: 8:18

right. That's right. Exactly.

Cory Montfort: 8:20

It is that opportunity.

Laurie Poole: 8:21

That's right. I think it is counterintuitive, to walk towards the grief and the loss and the sorrow and the deep emotional wounds that can come as a result of a breakup. And listen, you know, we're talking in gross generalities, in a lot of ways here when we're talking about how do you recover from heartbreak? Because there's different kinds of heartbreak. You've cited some of them, which is, you know, we can have a broken heart, in our familial relationships with parents, with children, with other members of our family and friendships. Yes, right. That there's different kinds of grief and heartbreak. Yeah. We're talking today about the heartbreak of romantic relationships, heterosexual, homosexual, whatever, but then that when you have a primary relationship that breaks up Yes, there it does result in in heartbreak, it can for many be the first time where you've had that really heart felt deep loss. And it can be very overwhelming. And as you say, Cory destabilizing and really disorienting. Yeah,

Cory Montfort: 9:35

and if you think about the stages of grief, that certainly applied to this situation, you you kind of waffle in the top three for survival mode, which is, you know, denial, bargaining, maybe could change something, yes, I would maybe if I wouldn't have said this, then this wouldn't have happened. Yes, we make it a lot about ourselves. There's also anger. And those first three feel somewhat empowering, in my opinion. So you still feel like, you know, you either are the victim of something, or that you, you know, didn't have a choice or that you could have made different choices. Or if they would just see it this way. If they would just change these things. We could have a great relationship. Let's say if you're Not the one who chooses the breakup? Because that is very painful, right? And then the sadness is after all that. That's right. And I'm not saying we can't go back and forth in the stages, but the sadness is really what we're avoiding. Because that is we're right next to the acceptance. Yes. And sadness is just, it feels what? What can you do with sadness, you can do something with anger, denial, bargaining, but it feels helpless. But it's the it's the healthiest place to be, because then you're right there close to being able to accept it. And one of my favorite quotes, I say it all the time, that which is destroyed by the truth should be. So to let go of the outcome of someone else's truth to realize that that's the path they're carving and you are not meant to be on it any longer is so difficult.

Laurie Poole: 11:27

Very difficult. It's very, very difficult. I think you you raised some really good points, which is those those stages of grief are empowering. They're kind of action oriented, like anger is very mobilizing. And it can get you out of that slump, initially. And I think that's, well, that's, you know, that's implying, because that was my teenage daughter. Well, of course, it wasn't she needed to speak to me. Yes. We're needed to Starbucks. She can't have a good day without one Oh. Where can I go for an extra hot? Well, I'll tell you that. So as we think about, you know, recovery, and how you work your way through the kind of grief that follows a breakup, and that the heart the heartache of a breakup. I think one of the things that I sort of sit with, in working with clients and even in my own grief or my own experiences with grief is, yeah, go I got, you know, there's that whole indignation, etc, but also really sitting with the emotions and the feelings without judgment, like just Can we sit with how you're feeling? And not judge it? That's hard, which is really hard. But there's, there's often a hairball, you know, maybe I shouldn't really be feeling that way. Well, why not? Like, can we just say, that's how you feel period? Full stop. Yeah, that's how I feel today. Yeah. One of my clients described it beautifully. She said, It's like the EKG of emotions that you experience following a breakup, which is very much those first three stages you described. Today, I'm so angry. I wish that person would just fall off the planet. And the next day, it's like, Oh, my God, what could I have done? Yeah. Oh, I wish I had done this differently. If only I had done that maybe the outcome would be different. Now. Wait a second. Or, and? And with that can also How did I not pick up the signs? How did I not know? Sort of that self blame? Yeah. Yeah. Not picking up the signal?

Cory Montfort: 14:01

Well, how could I have controlled it? Yep. Being able to control Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, and especially if you come from a background, maybe a childhood where you didn't have as much agency, as maybe you should have, that there wasn't enough freedom of choice that, you know, maybe you moved around a lot, or you were criticized a lot, or you just had a lack of control over your environment, I think, then when you become an adult, you focus a lot on maintaining some control over yourself. And it's hard not to extend that to things you can't control, you know, pretty much. So I think when you're already feeling a little bit insecure about change, you know, that you didn't initiate. When that happens, it's like fight or flight goes off, you know, and there's a lot of anxiety. And then sometimes what people do with that anxiety has made things worse, you know? And so, like you said, being able to be present, and let the, let the anxiety pass through you. And just notice it. I'm anxious about my future right now. Or I'm sad that I will no longer have that relationship in my life or As the daily talks or whatever it is that the parts of you that you will miss in that relationship, how can I develop those parts without this person?

Laurie Poole: 15:39

Yeah. Those are great questions.

Cory Montfort: 15:43

Yeah, how can I feel loved and happy and safe and energized without this person,

Laurie Poole: 15:51

and that can take a lot of self compassion. And actually, in some studies that they've done on recovery from heartbreak, the people who seem to fare more positively in their recovery from heartbreak are those who can practice self compassion. Who can say, You know what, there were things I didn't know. Or I did my best at the time. I can understand where I participated in a certain way, I think one of the things that I've experienced in working with clients is that when we can look at some of the relationship pattern, objectively, it can be helpful, it can be a helpful framework, to understand how things what some contributing factors might have been to your breakup. Sure. And then it isn't about oh, what did I do wrong? What did he do wrong? Like the self blame? Because there can be a lot of that, again, depending on some attachment styles, but to really look at what what was going on? How, how did things look? Because we can romanticize a little bit. Yeah. And put things in this light. But when you when you kind of explore what was going on? And how did things look when you disagreed or

Cory Montfort: 17:20

even how happy you were? Yeah, in reality, what wasn't working for you, that might have started some of the chaos and the relationship, some truth to that, and how you were willing to hold on to something that maybe wasn't completely right for you. And there's a there's a great book that I'm currently reading. So I've just just started the first few chapters called loving kindness. And I can't remember the author's name offhand. But it's kind of complimentary to what you were talking about. Self Compassion, loving kindness has to start within, but then it can be extended outwardly. And even though anger and villainizing your acts, and it's a way to try to get through it, when you can practice self compassion, you can also have compassion for someone else, and allow them to go. And, you know, that's not the same as forgiveness, you know, but compassion is a healing part, I think,

Laurie Poole: 18:31

very much so. Very much so. And I think that the All roads lead back to self. And part of part of recovery and healing in the aftermath of a breakup also involves, in my, in my opinion, introspection, about your own needs, what you learned about yourself, the parts of yourself that you came to know, what your, what you're coming to know about yourself now, and what your needs are and how you change. Because we are constantly evolving, you know, and the comfort that you have with yourself, self compassion, and kindness. And that's a very, very important step in healing.

Cory Montfort: 19:27

Yeah, I remember what you're making me think about years ago, like, I don't know, 15 years ago, maybe. I was working with a therapist who said, and I've gone through a breakup, and it was difficult, and the loss felt tremendous. And she said, Well, you're kind of still in a relationship with this person. Yeah. It's like, well, no, I'm not. She said, Well, he's still teaching you something. And until you learn whatever he's trying to teach you, you'll always be in a relationship with Him. And so I think that if you can look within and say, What is my uncomfortableness teaching me about myself about how I was in this relationship? And how can I learn and grow through that and evolve into a more understanding person. And once you learn that you can truly move on. They're no longer your teacher.

Laurie Poole: 20:40

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I think you know it and feel it when you hit that point. Yeah, you do you do. It's just a knowing Do you have any advice or kind of, I guess, advice, or principles or just, you know, things that you share with clients about recovering in their heart in their heart ache?

Cory Montfort: 21:10

I know, I'm probably just thinking of a certain kind of breakup, I guess, in my head. So I don't know if this is applicable across the board. But thinking that, I think we should have some compassion for ourselves as we want to distract ourselves. As we want to talk through it or, you know, I'm not one to quickly tell them, you know, just get over it, or just like, oh,

Laurie Poole: 21:41

gosh, you know, go

Cory Montfort: 21:45

go do something nice for yourself, you know, I think it's normal to maybe want some people want to go out and date other people to distract themselves. Or they want to go out all the time with your friends to distract themselves, or whatever it is. And I think there's a period of even vilifying the other person that just feels cathartic, you know, to try to try to get to a point, but the end point being allowing them to process all those stages of grief, and making normalizing that, and also staying aware that this whole thing doesn't define them as a person. Yeah, it is happening to them right? And within them, but it is not who they are. And so like you said, letting those feelings come, letting them be angry, letting them be sad, but let yourself feel those things because they're going to change over time. And it won't always be this way.

Laurie Poole: 22:44

That's right. That's right. I think that's so important. I think that's where therapy can be really helpful also, Oh, yeah. Because a you've got someone who's going to normalize that, and I hate the expression. I mean, I really detest the expression of move on. It isn't about move on. Because the truth is, if you don't really, like, allow the emotions to come out. Yeah. Shit comes out sideways. Yeah, it's gonna show up somewhere else. Yeah. So giving yourself permission to feel all the fields. And try not to judge that but to say, Okay, this is what is today, tomorrow could be different. That's okay. But to really allow yourself to go through the EKG and know that that is all normal. Yeah. Yeah. Move your body, if you can. I really think moving your body and connecting with your body physically, also connects you with your soul. And that's really, really important. Yeah, and if journaling speaks to do that, but pay attention, like trust your inner GPS for what you need. And if it's talking to your friends and surrounding yourself with people, or one day, you just want to be alone to be in your feelings. That's okay. Yeah. But

Cory Montfort: 24:04

yeah, and I'm always trying to tap into people's creativity, whatever that means. Doesn't have to be actual art, but something that they are in charge of creating. And cultivating. That can feel very good. It's almost like nurturing oneself. Yeah. And so I think that's important. I also think that when you mentioned therapy, I do feel like that's a good place to, to talk out loud about the relationship, etc. As opposed to maybe sometimes talking to other relationships, like friendships or familial relationships, that you know, are obviously going to be biased and, and not necessarily therapeutic but but more that it might produce more anger or anxiousness. Or it might keep you in those first three stages because these people are obviously upset for you. So having a therapist to counterpoint some of that is is wise and healthy, I think.

Laurie Poole: 25:10

Yeah, and it's talking to someone who has no skin in the game, right? In other words, they're not trying they're not speaking from a protective trying to villainize the other person, but rather, you know, has a higher viewpoint and also it Is has a more objective perspective, I think and and can really validate what that whole process is like. Yeah,

Cory Montfort: 25:39

you know. And to note here I was thinking, I'm not sure I ever really see people that come into therapy that are in love. So just remember that pain is where the growth happens. So sometimes we we have to remember that these places, although inflicted upon us, at times, are in places, the valley is where things grow. And so that's your opportunity, and there's going to be a mountain you'll go back up on and you'll feel better one day, but a lot of people they don't even start therapy until their heart is broken. And so that's when a lot of the muscle building can happen is when we've, we've been hurt.

Laurie Poole: 26:30

Very true. Very true. Our greatest lessons happen in our relationships. Yeah. Yes. Throughout life.

Cory Montfort: 26:38

Yeah. Yeah. It was good talking to you today. Well, thanks,

Laurie Poole: 26:42

Cory. Another episode and affairs of the heart. Yes. All right. Until next time, until next time, thank you