Dating without a destination with Cory Montfort

Often times people suffocate the growth of a relationship by defining a destination for a date. Have you thought of dating without a destination?

On this episode, Laurie sits down with Cory Montfort for a quick chat about how to date your partner by focusing on the feeling instead of the destination.

Therapist Unplugged is brought to you by The Montfort Group. Each episode will feature the unplugged views of guests and fellow therapists as we navigate hot topics, therapy trends and the world around us.

*The Montfort Group provides a serene, calming setting where you can feel challenged, supported, and motivated. Our skilled therapists bridge specialized backgrounds and varied philosophies together to create one unified strategy. Rather than steer you away from your own natural abilities, we help you maximize your unique strengths. We do not view a broken history as the end of a story, we see it as an opportunity for a new beginning.

Transcript

Laurie Poole: 0:28

Okay, now I can hear you.

Cory Montfort: 0:30

Yeah. I don't know if it's just going to be my speakers or what? I don't know. Like the, the. The mic. I don't know if it's my mic anymore. So, I don't know, but let's just do it.

Laurie Poole: 0:47

Okay, let's just do it. So we're recording now.

Cory Montfort: 0:50

Yes. Okay. I'm recording a separate file to.

Laurie Poole: 0:54

Okay. Very good. Okay, I'm just gonna get going. Welcome, everybody. Welcome to episode number four of therapist unplugged. And today my special guest is Cory Montfort, whose voice you've heard before Corey and I practice together at the Montfort group in North Dallas. And today's podcast might turn into a little bit of a rant, I gotta say,

Cory Montfort: 1:18

you know, I love those.

Laurie Poole: 1:22

I this is this is a this is a hot topic for me. And I don't know why I get so irritated by it. But anyway, I will definitely be unplugged. So today's topic is about date night. The theme is date night is a feeling, not a destination. Oh. And the reason I think that this is an important topic is because date night comes up a lot. When couples come into my office, and I asked questions about how do you spend time together? How do you prioritize your relationship? And date night comes up a lot. But you know, date night is not just making a reservation, having a nice dinner, if you're going to spend the evening on your phone.

Cory Montfort: 2:13

Right. Right. Or, or just talking about the kids? Yes, you know, or something administrative or I've seen people. I mean, you don't need a reservation to just stare at somebody across the booth at Chili's, you know, like, how they just, you know, we've seen those people that just like, What are you doing, you might as well just eat at home in front of the TV, you're not talking?

Laurie Poole: 2:41

You're absolutely not talking. And I don't know why changing the location, or the destination necessarily constitutes a date night when I think you can have date night, under your own roof. What do you think about when you hear the expression date night? Like, do you do you and your significant other good on date nights?

Cory Montfort: 3:07

We do. You know, we don't live together. So I think it's easier for us to experience that feeling whether we're hanging out at one another's house or going out so I can kind of understand what you're saying. But I've also been married before. And I think sometimes, if you don't know what kind of feeling you're after, it doesn't really matter the destination, whether you're at a really nice restaurant, or, you know, at home watching something on TV, if you don't know how to be together to spark something to feel vulnerable or excited or adventurous. I think you know, you're absolutely right. I think therein lies the problem. The the the normalcy of being together all the time can kind of take over right? It's so hard to feel adventurous. And what does that look like? So when you say you are going to go on you, oh, I'm going to go on a rant about this. Because is it because you want the couples to feel that sense of adventure, when they're together?

Laurie Poole: 4:25

I wonder if it doesn't come from more of a frustration with the ability to be fully present with one another as opposed to being transactional. Because daily life can be very transactional. When you have young children careers. Perhaps one partner is traveling a lot on business now that the airlines have opened up, there can be a lot of things that get in the way of finding time together. Yeah. And date night. Seems to be the solution or what I hear as the solution to we feel as though we don't feel as connected as we used to when our life was simpler. Yeah, you know, and if you listened to the one of the previous podcasts where Jason and Chris and talk about life with children, it's pretty clear that your whole life changes. You're exhausted in ways you've never experienced before. But sometimes connection b can be found in very small nuggets of time. I'm, and actually this came up I had a client recently asked me, How do you be fully present in a relationship? And I thought that was a really interesting question. Yeah, it's a big one. It's a big one. But two, they had just come back from a vacation where they both realized that they had not been feeding, or paying attention to their relationship, busy careers, parents, parenting, a toddler and all of those things. And I thought, you know, you can have date night, even when your time is really limited. Yeah,

Cory Montfort: 6:09

yeah, I was just thinking to, as you said that I think people, like, a lot of times when you go home, and I've heard this a lot from women, especially, like, they go home, they view the home as a place of work, not as a place of rest. And so I kind of understand trying to get out of the familiar space of work so that you can transition into more of the playful side of yourself. And I think that's what you're kind of describing is, how can you be playful, in a place of so much work have so much responsibilities, I will tell you, you know, you asked about my significant other and dating and we have this long standing pattern of going to a pool hall. And, and playing pool, we could do anything we could we could go out, you know, for a nice dinner, we could, but that ended up being one of the more memorable routines that we had was this kind of smoky pool hall that we would go and, and play pool and get around and listen to bad karaoke. And, and, and because it was playful, and it wasn't so because we we do we both have busy careers and children and, and, you know, problems just like everybody else. And you can kind of get stuck trying to just talk about those things all the time. So I do like the the word playful when I think of It's a feeling rather than a destination. And how can you feel playful? Even at home? You know?

Laurie Poole: 7:52

That's a that's a great point. Cory, that's a great point. I haven't had children at home for a gazillion years. But when we were getting ready for Halloween, just putting up the decorations scaring the living bejesus out of kids. I mean, to the extent they wouldn't come up our friend walk. They're walking by I guess our work is done. Yeah. But it was so much fun. We are playing, we are playing. Yes, I think you hit on a really but a really important point about playfulness, as opposed to transaction. And I guess to the other thing that you've highlighted. For me, because I've been out of this scenario for such a long time, is when you're at home full time with children, the household can feel like a place of work, like I just got to get out of here. Can we just get away? And pretend for a minute that it's just just have the two of us like how do we make our relationship a priority?

Cory Montfort: 9:01

Exactly. And I will say, thing that I've talked with couples about over the course of the pandemic as well, because that wasn't really an option can use to be still an obstacle for people, whether it's just getting daycare, or you know, going somewhere isn't always the safest option for people. Something still or shut down. And so throughout the worst of it, remember time people listen, we're going to have to start creating spaces that allow you to play or you know, because they were working from home too. So you got working right? Then you have parenting from home, a lot of times schooling from home, and now you're still supposed to feel, you know, connected emotionally and sexually to your partner at home. And that requires playfulness. Where do you do that? And so how do we transition? And sometimes I'd have people like just designate a space that has boundaries around it. Whether that means even if they're single and they just need to relax because they're like, I gotta go somewhere I you know, and I can't I can't, you know, we can't travel we can't like maybe one room in your house is just for just for reading or just for the adults in the room where you have some sort of boundary Like, this is where we watch movies and we don't carry our phones up here, or something to where you're, you're reinventing your home for the new way of living. Because we can't all afford to go out all the time, right?

Laurie Poole: 10:44

No, that's very true. I think also, there's something about being intentional in regards to what you just said, There's something about being intentional. I think of a good friend of mine who had five children in 10 years. And the children got dinner every night before they did. And every night, this couple would light candles and have dinner together. The kids were in bed, and that was how they connected and stayed connected. And now they've been married for like, 40 plus years. Yeah, you know, but it was so intentional about how they live their lives to ensure they had time just for them. Because with five children, you know, who had some health issues.

Cory Montfort: 11:31

And other things that would have been very easy to just ride the wave of life being focused on children, it's very easy to do that. Yeah. very understandable how one can lose their sense of identity as an adult and as a partner, through the role of parenting. Absolutely, very understandable, because they need so much. And it's such a huge responsibility. So I really try to remind couples, first and foremost that they didn't get where they're at in their relationship, whether it's because they feel disconnected or whatnot. On purpose. They didn't wake up one day and say, I think we'll just stop being fun.

Laurie Poole: 12:15

You know, stop having sex, or we'll stop having some time together.

Cory Montfort: 12:18

Yeah, but I just love this, this whole, the phrase that you've you've, you've started with, which is it's a feeling not a destination, because a lot of couples don't know why they don't want to have sex, you know, they? Well, if, you know, if he would help me more around the house, or if I felt more rested or whatever, but some of that probably contributes. But I think a large part of it is we don't know how to play. And it's such a, it's a word I use frequently, because and sometimes it makes people uncomfortable. Like play, that's not something adults do. You know, so sometimes I might send them on a little trip to the park just by themselves to literally play. And it feels vulnerable and weird. And all that stuff is because they're just, they've been out of touch with that. So I can understand how it gets there. But I think you know, that's what part of our job is to remind them that it's that feeling of sometimes I say it's that feeling of your playful side is the one that goes into the gas station when you're filling up with gas, and then decides what candy bar do I want? You know, do I want a Red Bull? What music am I going to listen to? On my on my drive? Yeah, playful, like adventurous side that should be shared with your partner kind of like what you and your husband were were experiencing on Halloween night. Right? You know, that togetherness, that adventure?

Laurie Poole: 13:58

It was a lot of fun, and it was very playful. I think that's an important part of it. How do we do you have any particular recommendations for how couples can be both present and playful? In other words, you know, not everybody has time to take a little trip somewhere. And you don't want to wait until you can take a long weekend away from children to feel as though you really connect with your partner. I think it's almost an intentional daily practice, or a weekend practice or it's something that you set your sights on and you commit to or you maintain that priority of feeding the relationship I loved when my client said about Gosh, we've been starving ourselves. Yeah. Right by not by not making the time and by letting other things take over our lives. So I'm just wondering, do you hear from clients or do you make recommendations about how to address that in their relationships?

Cory Montfort: 14:55

I do. I think it takes it's very unique to them. And so I think it just takes a little bit of trial and error. Because what works for some couples might not work for others. So sometimes I'll I'll jump start it by by saying okay, what would you both be willing to go do that sounds adventurous and so we'll start with more of an obvious like the the put is that place where you

Laurie Poole: 15:25

like jump in like a tree trampoline room. Yeah,

Cory Montfort: 15:29

like something like that, or, or going to those racecar, like the go kart or kharsia to go kart to where they and they, they leave their phones, you know, in the car or at home or whatever. And so they're actually participating in some sort of game activity or activity together. And what we do know is that when you have something that you're building adrenaline together, it does create connection. And so, it that is an important piece to that playful thing, in my opinion, that doesn't mean you're always going to be able to go out and do putt putt golf, or whatever that might be. But sense of humor is really important. I think that's what you described, you know, for you and your partner the other night, having that sense of humor. Sometimes that's watching something on TV, something sometimes sharing some funny memes together, right? Yeah, it's about being together when you're feeling that way. And I think a lot of us, the more often you're with your partner, you take for granted that that availability of a friend, like remember, this person isn't just your roommate, your co parent, or you know, someone that you tag team with this person is laughed with. That's right. It's very well, how do we get people to start smiling together?

Laurie Poole: 17:04

Yeah. And I think even just talking about how do you play together in a therapy session can open up a whole conversation? Because you're right, what is playfulness to one couple is not to another or what is for one partner is not for the other? Yeah. But to even have a conversation about how can we play together in a way we haven't in a long time. That kind of conversation can also be a form of play?

Cory Montfort: 17:29

It is it is and because it's not work related. It's like, I hope you don't mind me sharing because you've you've told me before, that you and your husband oftentimes have this little routine, which I actually think routines are super important. As long as you include the playfulness and the routine. The routine of playfulness for you guys is like this recent tick tock little where yes, together, right?

Laurie Poole: 17:52

You get into bed and get lost in tic toc and laugh.

Cory Montfort: 18:00

That's what I'm talking about. It's those that cost you nothing. And and you know you're actually vertical. Oh, actually wait, that's what we're horizontal

Laurie Poole: 18:11

action.

Cory Montfort: 18:13

You're not You're not spending any money. You're not going out. But you're connecting through some humor in someplace,

Laurie Poole: 18:20

right? Yeah, no, exactly. Exactly. It Yeah. We also we also make a point of dinner Saturday nights because I work till you know, I'm not home until almost eight o'clock, three nights out of seven. And so Saturday nights is a night where he makes dinner and he does the shopping and we sit down we talk. We might play some games together. But we put phones down. We're not because phones. Okay, that's okay. I'm gonna rant about phones for just a second. Yeah, I can't stand them. I think phones are the bane of relationships. I swear to God, they really, they're, it's awful. Your restaurant, you watch people looking at their phone, or they're taking a shot for Facebook. And there's no conversation happening. It's all about what's on the phone. And I think that's been a huge, huge distraction from people talking and connecting with one

Cory Montfort: 19:19

another. Well, and I think that is worth a whole episode. Just just technology and how it's interfering with our interpersonal relationships. Not just romantic ones, or our adult ones, but also our our relationships with our children, our relationships with, you know, our parents or our friends. I mean, just in, in general, how distracted we've become, and how, no wonder we're struggling with how, you know, how do you really connect if you feel like you have to connect with everyone all the time?

Laurie Poole: 19:59

All the time, like having an electronic leash. Yeah.

Cory Montfort: 20:03

It's over overstimulation. For sure. salutely. Absolutely. Yeah. So maybe that's something that we can pick up next time, because there's lots to talk about here. There's tons to talk about. Absolutely.

Laurie Poole: 20:18

Well, thanks for hearing me out on my little rant about date night. Because I think it really is it's a feeling it's not a destination as we've talked about today. Learning how to play together. And we can do it under your own roof where you can go somewhere play but whatever play means for you don't forget to incorporate that into your, into your romantic relationship because it's super important. Yeah,

Cory Montfort: 20:41

what a great reminder. I'm glad we had this little chat. Yeah, me too. Thanks,

Laurie Poole: 20:45

Cory. Yeah,

Cory Montfort: 20:46

I'll see you around.

Laurie Poole: 20:46

Okay. Take care. Bye