A Sense of Belonging with Gergana Markov

People’s sense of social belonging, or their sense that they have good relationships with others, is a fundamental human need. That is, having solid social connections can be as important to human health and happiness as having food, water, and shelter. Indeed, there is research to support this idea, including the finding that having social relationships can increase your odds of survival by 50%. To put this in perspective, this effect is comparable to the effects of smoking and excessive drinking on mortality, suggesting that having quality social ties is vital to our lives.

This episode features our very own Gergana Markov, a therapist at The Montfort Group. 

Therapist Unplugged is brought to you by The Montfort Group. Each episode will feature the unplugged views of guests and fellow therapists as we navigate hot topics, therapy trends and the world around us.

*The Montfort Group provides a serene, calming setting where you can feel challenged, supported, and motivated. Our skilled therapists bridge specialized backgrounds and varied philosophies together to create one unified strategy. Rather than steer you away from your own natural abilities, we help you maximize your unique strengths. We do not view a broken history as the end of a story, we see it as an opportunity for a new beginning.

Transcript

Laurie Poole: 0:31

Welcome, everyone to our latest edition of therapist unplugged where therapists and guests get together and we talk about life in an unplugged way. Today I'm so delighted to introduce one of our newest members of the Montfort Group team. Gergana. markoff Gergana joined us how long ago Gervonta was it?

Gergana: 0:55

I think it was August yes in

Laurie Poole: 0:57

August Gergana is an LPC associate under the supervision of Cory Montfort. She is not only a graduate of Southern Methodist University, with her master's degree in counseling, Brooker grada also has a master's degree in Business Admin and MBA that she acquired at Georgia State University and had a successful career in real estate acquisitions, corporate marketing and advertising before she decided to make this her second act career for lack of a better expression. in Gurgaon, it has, you know, training and experiences in a variety of of areas, including trauma. She's trained as an EMDR therapist and parent child dynamics, gender and sexuality issues of Gurgaon, you have quite a, an extensive toolbox with which to work with clients. So welcome to therapist unplugged. I'm so happy to have you here today.

Gergana: 2:07

Thank you. I'm delighted to be here. I know I am a huge fan of the podcasts, and I listen to every episode. Thank you. I'm honored and nervous at the same time.

Laurie Poole: 2:24

Well, listen, you know what this is called unplugged. And so we've had, we've had episodes where you can hear lawnmowers going in the background and hammering and all kinds of things. So please try not to be nervous. I think we all feel a little bit that way. And but it's just a conversation between you and me. And people will eavesdrop at a later date. How about that? Yeah. Okay,

Gergana: 2:54

good way to frame it.

Laurie Poole: 2:55

All right. Gergana. You know, in addition to getting to know you over the last four months, I want to share with our listeners that I was very, very moved by your most recent blog, cultivating a sense of belonging. And I wondered if you would be kind enough to read the opening paragraph that inspired your, your blog, or your experience that inspired your blog.

Gergana: 3:30

Or I would be happy to do that. So here it goes. A few weeks ago, a client came into my office collapsed onto the couch and deeply side out. I am so tired of feeling like a foreigner. Her words, that's the nerve, her pain and sadness sounded so familiar. What I recognized was not the struggle of a person who was born in another country, which I was and speaks with an accent which I do. Instead, I could relate to her hunger to be seen, appreciated, loved and included. After all, who doesn't want to be accepted and belongs to something larger than ourselves? But I also know from experience that constantly scanning the environment for reassurance that you fit in, is truly exhausting, and can take us away from what really matters.

Laurie Poole: 4:35

Boy so much in that opening paragraph Gergana can you share with us some of your own experience? I too am a foreigner from another country. I'm so tired of feeling like a foreigner. Was there? What resonated for you about her experience?

Gergana: 5:02

Yeah, so this is kind of real. I mean, I don't know if you've noticed it in my voice. Every time I think about this and read this, I get quite emotional. But yes, we all kind of have that hunger, right to feel loved and accepted a notice and that's to know that we matter. And we're often left field feeling like we're coming up short, right? Taking the foreigner experience because I literally am a foreigner and I do speak with an accent and I'm going to be honest. Coming into this podcast, I was thinking about the cadence of my speak, right? The voice like how am I going to mask my accent so that people could understand me better? It's always with you, because the outside world always gives us little reminders that we're somehow different. In that feeling, like constantly contorting ourselves, right to fit into a narrative into someone else's expectations into often, let's be honest, our own personal self story about who we're supposed to be, and how we're supposed to behave so that we can earn in a way that acceptance and love from others.

Laurie Poole: 6:37

Wow. Oh, my gosh, so much, so much in that karkhana? Could you could you just, you know, for our listeners to get the sort of a wider perspective about your experience? Pardon me? Sorry, folks getting over from bronchitis Could you share with our readers about your own experience coming to the United States as a quote unquote, foreigner? And what that's like for you? Yeah.

Gergana: 7:12

So that was 20 years ago, I was quite I mean, I'm not going to date myself. But I was very had very little life experience. And, and I come from a culture that's very different, right? 1000s of miles away, I guess, for your letter listeners. I'm from Bulgaria, originally, that's a small country in Southeast Europe, on the Bolton Peninsula, but life in the United States is very different than what I had been used to write than anything that I knew. So from the moment, literally, I landed in this country, everything was new and unfamiliar. And I had to learn how to be and how to what was acceptable social norms, and how to communicate with people and how to dress and how to eat and the food you eat. It is a constant reminder, right? That you have had a very different upbringing and very different view of the world, and how to connect with people then this new life that I was beginning. And honestly, I was excited, right? This was an enormously positive change in my life, but it was an adjustment. And then you kind of connecting it to that feeling of belonging, right, you start to literally scan right the environment for am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Right? Am I standing out so much? Am I going to be rejected? Because I don't really fit in? Right? That's how do I dress? How do I approach people? How do I carry myself in different situations and become hyper you become hypersensitive? Sometimes people will say, so where are you from? And they're genuinely curious. There's no intention, no. malign right agendas behind it. And I kind of sometimes feel myself closing off and pausing for a second and wondering, I wonder what they asking me that for. And that's my own personal. Right limitation. That's, that's my own judgment that I make about the situation. Not necessarily what others pointing out. Right. But yeah, so that's an example.

Laurie Poole: 9:53

You know, Gergana as I'm listening to you describe that experience and having to navigate. You know, it's not as though there was an instruction booklet given to you. If you want to feel more accepted, or feel less conspicuous or not feel as different as you perceived that you are. It seems to me that you start to think about the place that you came from, and what you know, a little differently. Someone once said to me, there's nothing that makes you more of who you are than when you live in a foreign country. In other words, you start to think about your own perspective, as you say, worldview, the way you dress, the customs and so on. I think you start to think about that differently when you're when you're completely away from it. I felt that even as a Canadian living in the United States, where the differences aren't always the difference, or perhaps more subtle. Although I do, I'm told I speak with an accent when I say out and about. But I'm wondering how you like, how did you get your? How did? How did you navigate that in a way where you could say, Okay, this is going to be more acceptable or gain your strides and starting to feel more comfortable? Or did you? Did you get to that point? Where you start to feel a little bit more at home?

Gergana: 11:31

I do. Yeah. And I think, um, I would say, um, there, there, there are times that when I interact with people, I don't think about my background being different. I've spent over 20 years in this country. And what's curious, when I went back to visit for the first time, I don't know, and five years or so, I'm noticing that now, I don't entirely fit in, in my home country as well, right, I have evolved into some sort of a hybrid way to a different beast to different cultures. And as human beings we adapt, right, you'll find kind of your footing, you'll find your people, you find your tribe, you'll find the support around you. And I was fortunate enough to have those people in my life. And I feel like I've adapted pretty well. But they're also experiences that I have the don't necessarily directly relate to where I come from, that often make me feel different than that's maybe I don't quite fit in. And that's where I connected with that client. And any other client that comes into my session. A lot of us struggle with that. Right? We kind of try to focus on what Who do I need to be spent all this energy in becoming that character that we have created in our minds, right, and that story of ourselves about what it means to be accepted and important and to matter? And a lot of times, that's kind of his focus more on, you know, appearance, and do I have authority? And do I have accomplishments, and we move away from these core values and blog deeply matters to us?

Laurie Poole: 13:47

Have there been in your experience? I know you've lived in a few places in the United States. Have you felt differently about fitting in or belonging? Depending on where you've lived? Has there been a different experience in those different regions of the country?

Gergana: 14:09

Yes, and I think that mostly has to do with the people that were in my life and those different places

Laurie Poole: 14:17

I see.

Gergana: 14:20

Right, we and that's kind of where belonging comes in, right? When you feel like you have that connection to other people that helps you feel connected, to kind of where you where you are, to the place where

Laurie Poole: 14:41

you develop more of an emotional attachment or connection to the geography the community, depending on the people that you have forged relationships with, you know, Sue Johnson, who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples and individuals, talks about, you know, humans being wired for connection, we need it, like we need air and food and stability and a roof over our heads. We need to feel connected and as though we belong somewhere. I think, you know, certainly. Well, my experience isn't quite the same as yours, that sense of belonging. You know, as someone who lived in the same town her entire life until 15 years ago and moving to To to Texas, there that that quest to belong and to find connection and that sense of community has been ongoing really for 15 years, I think I felt that it SMU Most definitely. As I connected with clients and certainly in our group practice, I feel that way. But it's it's not easy to move to a new place with a different culture and different subtleties or ways of seeing the world, you know. And so it can be pretty discombobulating. That's a therapeutic term, by the way, yeah, discombobulated very, it can be very unsettling. And it takes time to adjust to creating a new normal. Mm hmm. I love what you said about the feeling as though you're a hybrid. It's like you well, because in a way you become bought by cultural, don't you? You know, it's the American culture. And then, you know, when you go back to Bulgaria, it's a different scenario. And you do have the sort of duality evolves? Yeah. What was it like for you going back? After having been in the US for a number of years to go back and visit? What did you notice about yourself?

Gergana: 16:56

Like I said, both my husband and I even had a conversation about that the first week, we felt like foreigners in our own home country, right, because way of life is different. And our values have evolved over the years. First of all, because when we left, we were very young. Right? We were 24, I think both of us 2425. And now we're in our 50s. So now we're mature older adults, right on a very different season of wives than when we left, but also life has changed there. So yeah, we kind of just feel like foreigners, the first week, and then you start to remember, right, and things become familiar. And you connect to the places and the people and the memories that we still hold with us. And it becomes more comfortable, it feels safer. And we kind of were more settled. And towards the end of it, we kind of are a little bit sad to leave. But definitely this last trip confirmed to me that the United States is my home now. And I can't really see myself at least for the time being living anywhere else. I would visit any place I love to travel, I would certainly always cherish my connection to my home country. But this is our home now. Yeah.

Laurie Poole: 18:35

You spent 20 years here, almost as long as the time you spent growing up in Bulgaria. A little longer, a little longer. Okay. Yeah. Okay, so there you go. Yeah. So tell me a little bit about how you, you know, when you say clients come in, and they're expressing, I don't know, sadness, feeling lonely, isolated, because they, they haven't been able to cultivate that sense of belonging. How does your own experience come into the therapy room when you're working with clients? In that regard?

Gergana: 19:17

Um, I mean, you you and I'm sure that you've kind of noticed that too, you. You validate that need, right, that hunger to be seeing. I always, always, I firmly believe that one of the most important things for people is to feel like they count like they matter, that they have importance in the world. So however, I address clients concerns, whatever interventions we may use in the room. The one thing that I always try to help them cultivate is that believe that achievement, my performance, my career, my accomplishments, my failures in life, the struggles I have to not diminish my value as a human.

Laurie Poole: 20:21

You know, it's interesting that that feeling of being how as therapists Our ability to validate, or to even ask a question like, tell me how it feels, what is it like to be you can resonate so strongly and clients will say, I don't remember the last time anybody asked me that question, to be curious and to be open and listening. And it seems to me that your experience coming from another country and adapting and finding your way really gives you a sensitivity, and an awareness of what people what it feels like for people to have a sense of disconnection, whether it's from family, from their work from their marriage, and other types of relationships where they feel like they don't matter, or maybe they don't belong the way they used to. in your, in your, in your blog, you talk about longing. If you live in alignment with who you truly are, there will inevitably be some who won't like you. Belonging is an internal world LIS embodied elusive because our external world often emphasizes separateness over unity, whole groups of individuals are pushed to the margins of society, simply based on who they are. Can you tell me a little more about that? About the internal that belonging is? It's an internal experience, that can be elusive.

Gergana: 22:21

Right. You know, I think the last, your last podcast when you talked about adoption, you guys discuss that mapping of the baby with the biological mom, right. And when you think about it, I was thinking about that this morning, right? When a baby comes into the world, and that newborn is embraced by their mother, whoever that first adult is important figure in their life as they experienced that ultimate warm, and acceptance. And that's the ultimate, to me expression of belonging in that moment. That's the only experience that human being has, right, that newborn. And then life happens. And we live through various circumstances. And we get all kinds of messages from the outside world, right? That tells us that maybe we're falling short, that there are expectations we haven't met, that there are people that we have in place, and all of that starts to erode our belief that we truly belong. So that's what I mean that reconnecting, reconnecting to that inner sense of I belong to the human, to humanity, I belong, because I exist, I have value regardless of what I do, in my life, what I accomplish,

Laurie Poole: 24:06

you know, that's got to be a hard place to get to, if that sense of belonging is also predicated on the kind of attachment that children and babies experience in the earliest years of their life. Because part of what makes us feel belonged to or gives us that sense of belonging and importance, is, I think, based on Attachment of an adult, a caregiver who makes us feel unconditionally loved, saved, welcomed, as you say, comforted and soothed when we're distressed. And we learn about that, that receiving that helps our internal self. But so much of how we perceive ourselves. So the narrative that we develop about ourselves, is based on how others around us respond to us. It's a bit of a chicken and egg situation, because if you haven't had that experience of safe, secure attachment, as a child, then as an adult, you can already feel disconnected or different than or unaccepted. Before you even connect with other people, it's like Okay, this is the perspective we have. And that then can shape the outcome, at least certainly, when I think about my experience with couples therapy, what it is that a partner wants, it's to know that they matter and that they're important. Yeah. Yeah, you know, which is that to developing that sense of belonging, whether it's on a global level coming from another country or in relationships, you know, which kind of gets back to what you said earlier about, where you have felt the most accepted or the most comfortable in the different places you've lived, really depends on the relationships you've forged, and the people around you.

Gergana: 26:08

Yeah, yeah. It helps. And I'm glad you mentioned that in couples work, right? Because that's what you do. As a couples therapist in the room, you help connect your clients kind of understand that shared yearning of being seen and valued and understood, it makes it kind of see each other through each other's eyes. Right. And I think, and I think an act Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, they use the term the observing self, right, kind of becoming an objective observer of what goes on in your interactions with other people basically, noticing yourself notice other people. Yeah, and how they feel through their eyes and kind of learning to shift the perspective and the point of view,

Laurie Poole: 27:01

which can be really hard, can be really, really hard. I mean, unless you ask the question, what is it like to be you and and what are you seeing? I think we can make assumptions about our loved ones or co workers that aren't necessarily accurate. So we're trying to put ourselves in the other person's shoes can work to a point. But I think the other piece of it is we have to ask the questions and be curious, and engage and be engaged and show enough interest that we really want to understand what is it like to be you and, and to, I guess, create space for differences.

Gergana: 27:48

Yeah, I agree. But also what I meant was connecting to that. Shared,

Laurie Poole: 27:56

yeah. Wangjing Right, right. That's right.

Gergana: 28:00

This is our common, yearning. We we both hunger for that, and then asking the questions about how do I offer that to you as sell you how you can offer that to me?

Laurie Poole: 28:15

Yes. That's right. Our bodies know that they belong it is our minds that make our lives so homeless. Guided by longing, belonging is the wisdom of rhythm when we are in rhythm with our own nature, things flow and balance naturally. That's a quote from jl. J. O'Donoghue. What was it about that? In, I guess, it's from Celtic reflections on our yearning to belong, that it's not a problem to be solved. It just is we already have it, we have belonging because we exist, right? The human experience. So in your blog, you offer some steps or recommendations about what your what you describe as finding our way back and fostering belonging from the inside out by focusing on different things. Can you walk us through, you know, what we can do to feel more engaged or connected to those around us? Whether it's a community, a family, a lover, coworkers, yeah.

Gergana: 29:31

But the most important thing, right, that's self acceptance, that and I'm going to admit that this is very, very hard to achieve. Right? This state of fully unconditionally accepting yourself and giving yourself permission to be flawed because no one is perfect, and no one can be perfect. But just kind of understanding that I'm a human being, I'm doing the best I can with the resources I have every single day. I sometimes I'm beautiful and I sometimes not so much. And there are days when I'm focused and productive and when there are days that I just can't summon the energy and and some love me and some won't. But I'm always worthy. This just regardless of how I am,

Laurie Poole: 30:43

that can be a tall order for a lot of people this is that's really a lifetime of work, isn't it? Absolutely. self acceptance?

Gergana: 30:51

Yeah, it is for me, because like you've mentioned earlier, we do get stuck in these kind of self stories, right? And we always are achieving we kind of focus on what are the kinds of things that I can accomplish? How can I present to the world that I have value, and we often connect that to? Right, while we have accomplished, there's a performative aspect to how we place value on ourselves. So that's really hard. And you're right, and what it's like you have to achieve that. I don't know what some people call it. Elevated human consciousness or no transcendent self, I've heard it kind of addressed differently, achieving enlightenment, you're right, that's so a tall order. Some of us never get to that point. But what I've been trying to work on myself and try to help some clients get to, is that acceptance, I'm doing the best I can with the resources I have. Yeah. And I deserve to be happy. So I'm gonna keep working, because we really cannot change external circumstances. No, you're

Laurie Poole: 32:15

right, we can't. And I think that self acceptance is a work over a lifetime. Like when we think about, you know, development over the lifespan, when you hit your 60s, you sort of look back and you think, Boy, I was really hard on myself at that stage in my life, or you appreciate that you push through some really trying circumstances. And you can value and appreciate challenges. You've overcome situations, you've handled accomplishments you've achieved in a way that's different when you're in your 30s. And 40s. I will say that is one of the gifts of getting older, and gaining life experience as you begin to appreciate it sort of where you've been in a way that I think can lead to that opens the door to even greater self acceptance, and appreciation. You also talked about daily meditation.

Gergana: 33:17

Yeah, and or mindfulness practices. I know sometimes when I recommend meditation to clients, they make the automatic assumption that I expect them to levitate for hours at a time, but whatever works for you, right? Is it a podcast or a song, anything that can help connect you to the present moment and actually help appreciate those. I call them ordinary moments and in the blog, write, of, of love and have positive experiences. Just mindfulness practices, I've noticed really help with that awareness of what is my experience right now, right, and allow you to kind of connect with that deeper, loving part of yourself. Step away from the mind, what is it covered, then the person that introduced mindfulness to the Western world, he talks about the being mind and the doing mind and how we've become doing being a human doing? Human Being? That's right. So learning how to be I think what you're

Laurie Poole: 34:45

talking about too, is our reminds me of the whole mind body connection. And sometimes it can be as small as sitting still and noticing where in your body are you feeling any kind of tension, for example, just noticing, you know, it doesn't have to be some like you said, you know, levitating for an hour, or going oh, you know, for 30 minutes. It's really just putting the electronics away walk putting your phone in another room, and just sitting still for five minutes and noticing noticing the sounds around you where there's tension in your body, if any. It can be simple things. But I think that we get so focused on what's happening around us. We it's much harder, we don't take a lot of time to go within. Yeah. Which is what, which is what you're talking about, right?

Gergana: 35:47

And then I'll tell clients sometimes set a timer for three times a day for 15 seconds, right? And when the timer goes off, that can be a mindful break for the day. And you can spend that time any way that works for you. Like you said, Am I going to notice what's happening in my body? Or am I just going to close my eyes for a second and see if I notice smiles? Or is there a sound kind of noticing? What's happening in that moment with intention?

Laurie Poole: 36:19

Yes, noticing was intention. You also talked about practicing loving kindness.

Gergana: 36:29

That's compassion towards self and others. That, again, helps connect us to our humanity.

Laurie Poole: 36:39

It feels good to offer a compliment to, you know, you read stories about and actually I think Cory has mentioned this where somebody paid for her Starbucks coffee, you know, those unexpected acts of kindness, even smiling new people. Oh, this is big. This is big. So those kinds of those kinds of reaching out to people, you know, is all is another part of that expressive arts and free writing. Tell me about that.

Gergana: 37:18

Yeah, I love expressive arts, that's a really good way. And there's a lot of research actually, to back it up. A really good way to process difficult emotions, right? Sometimes it's really hard to acknowledge and talk about painful experiences, art drawing, vision boards, any kind of artistic expression, whether it's psychodrama or singing music, it's a really good way to relieve tension to process emotions, especially the ones that tend to be really hard. And we don't, we don't want to sit with for very long. So yeah, that's a good way. Poetry and I, that's not my idea. But there's a lot of kind of research, also the talks about poetry, as a good way of expressing thoughts and emotions. I actually have a client in my practice right now, who uses poetry, for negative to process negative emotions, sadness and anger. That's one this person turns to. She writes, shortfall and to kind of give a voice to the sadness and anger that she is experiencing. And she reports that she feels great relief each time. For others, it's the opposite. When they're elated and experiencing intense positive emotions. That's a good way to express them would work. So yeah, I would encourage it's not for everyone, right? Yeah. So if this is something that kind of resonates with you, and if you have a creative streak, then even if you don't think you're very artistic, or talented naturally. It doesn't matter. As long as the big experience matters.

Laurie Poole: 39:34

It's the experience, and then how you feel as a result of the experience. Even as you're, as you're describing different ways of finding belonging. I'm thinking to, why is it that groups work so well, whether it's a cycling club, a dance group, an art class, you know, these are all ways in which people can also find other individuals, or there's an activity that creates belonging, which for many who maybe feel a little social anxiety, or having struggling to find something that that can also be a good way to initiate finding a community or a tribe.

Gergana: 40:24

Yeah, I agree. And even I was thinking about that. This morning on my morning jog, when you see other joggers, we don't stop and talk to each other. But to have that sense of this is a group that I belong. I don't know some of these people, some of them I see regularly on the trail, but others just pop in and out. We don't need external feedback to connect with that sense of I belong here.

Laurie Poole: 40:55

Yes, I get that feeling when I go to the gym. You know, it's like, there's people that I see there. There's a group of ladies that I work out with. And I have such a sense of belonging, when I see them all. It's like, oh, it's so good to see, you know, that kind of thing. So we can find it in a lot of different ways. But I think this is a human experience that we all strive to achieve. We want to we want to connect with people. Any final words you want to share before we conclude our, our podcast today?

Gergana: 41:29

I think we cover I mean, the goal is and I'm and I know how hard it is, because I've been working on that for a long time. And even I, you know, I'm still struggling and have setbacks. But the best way to kind of cultivate and reconnect with that sense of belonging is to focus on our shared humanity.

Laurie Poole: 42:01

So true. So true. Gergana, thank you for all your insight, and for sharing your experience with us. In this podcast, I think that your story is one that many will relate to. It is part of our human condition, to want to belong and to know that we matter. And I think it's really, really important. So thank you for sharing your insight and your thoughts today. And I look forward to seeing you in the office tomorrow.

Gergana: 42:38

Yeah, I'll be there. I'll be there. And thank you so much for having me. Oh, I really enjoyed our time together.

Laurie Poole: 42:45

I did too. I did too.